Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
