can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
