Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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