just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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