The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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