Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Dicks are not precious.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
