arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
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