when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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