I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
