shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
where does the pee come out of this thing
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Randomize
