I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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