sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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