that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize