I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize