is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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