Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
