my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize
