so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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