when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
It's just like the Real World with babies
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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