I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I said "one day" and that day is not today
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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