i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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