Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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