Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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