Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Just saw 2 very young girls abandon baby buggys in the Xwalk to fight. Gotta love Holyoke.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize