Umm I'm too high to move.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
