Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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