apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
