I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
