you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Randomize
