note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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