I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
