He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
