you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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