I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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