he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize