Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
