im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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