I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
