Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
