She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
