just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
