Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
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