I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Randomize
