Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Randomize
