i would punch a child for taco bell
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Last time i carry you out of a forest
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Randomize
