i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize