YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
