at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
