dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
