Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Randomize
