In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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