can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
