Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
