i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize