My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
