I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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