i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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