Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
