Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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