so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
