every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Randomize
