I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
