She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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