I hate all girls vehemently.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
