just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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